Kim Jong-il Press Release. A Nation Mourns.
12/19/2011 2:33:00 PM
DATELINE: 12/18/11 #### DPRK News Agency ***BULLETIN***
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-Pyongyang, N.K.: Special. OBIT/KJ-il
SUPREME LEADER DEAD AT HUMAN AGE OF 69.
The entire planet has been shaken with the news of Kim Jong-il's earthly departure some hours ago. Known by and for his many devotional titles: "Supreme Leader", "Dear Leader", "Our Father", "the General", "Generalissimo", "The Silver Fox", "Frankie Two-Times", "Barry From EastEnders", "Mr. Sarcasm" and "Smoopie", Kim Jong-il died doing what he did best, rearranging the magazine stand at his Glorious Corner Store on Silverthorne Blvd. in Pyongyang.
Born unto the human race on February 16, 1942, "The Master Plaster from Ancaster" was the product of his sire, Man 'O War and his dam, Ain't She A Dickens. The heavens took note of his acqusition of human form by bringing the Koreas bountiful harvests and touch-tone dialing.
As a child, "The Thrilla From Manila" ranked in the top 1% of his class after his father, Kim Cattral-Sun, had his classmates placed in labour camps. When he wasn't creating new elements in science class, he was ripping it up on the Pyongyang High School gridiron, resulting in a rare double Heisman Trophy and a lead in the high school production of "Rent", where his rendition of "Seasons of Rruv" just killed....swiftly and mercilessly.
There is little known about "The Hedgehog" over the ensuing years, much like his counterpart, Jesus. We know that He did dabble in golf, opera, a guest spot on The Brady Bunch as cousin Oliver, two tours with Earth, Wind and Fire (he was Water..drawn by his Pisces roots) and two decades in the ever-changing Little River Band lineup.
Sources indicate our "Love Machine Who Won't Work With 'Nobody But You" discarded his human form last night when a new shipment of Gent magazine plus the Car and Driver 2012 Buyer's Guide toppled over in an American plot to combine D-cup breasts with decadent Detroit muscle in magazine format. North Korea will have its revenge but until then, it is asked that our glorious citizens refrain from digging through dirt for decssicated roots and vegetables and join together in a mass exhibit of wailing and wriggling around public spaces.
In lieu of flowers, please forward any donations to the Rotary Club.
"Goodnight sweet leader. And flights of demons drag thee to thy rest."
For interview opportunities on the life of Kim Jon-il, with his son Steve, contact NK Partners by leaving a note in an onion bun behind the Pyongyang State Guildhouse on Primrose Lane tomorrow, between 3:00 and 6:00.