"New Moon" is the most talked about movie of the fall.  Big deal.  Vampires who've managed to convince their parents to pay for their wireless bills chase girls who've achieved puberty. 

I've never liked vampires. I still don't. The entire vampire genre stinks of sexual hormones and slow speaking players with nice hair who just want to get laid. It's the "Entourage" of horror. And with the emergence of the teenage vampire nonsense like "New Moon" there's a stench of Axe body spray and dudes who shave their chests and other places. Rip the clothes off a vampire you've just killed and he'll probably have a shaved scrotum 'cause that's what the "Teen Vampire" blog said would be cool.

Vampires always had the glib dialogue like "I don't drink. Blood.". I don't mind a guy wanting to get all up with a lady but vampires in tuxedos who have to hit the coffin before the sun rises or they'll turn to dust and, in the meantime, if you don't mind me putting my fangs in your neck is pretty well what happens every Saturday night in Toronto's entertainment district.

Give me a zombie any day. They can be lumbering zombies from Romero films or even the Red Bull Gen X zombies from "28 Days". Those were fast zombies. Zombies are fun and exist to have their heads blown in two. There's no expectation of a love story in a zombie movie (at least between the living and the zombies). From "Dawn of the Dead" to "Shaun of the Dead" there's never a moment where a young bookworm chick realizes that the ungodly beast is just a misunderstood teenager.

Give me "Left 4 Dead" and this week's video game sequel "Left 4 Dead 2". I've played the demo level in "Left 4 Dead 2" and by the time my machine pistol stopped smoking out bullets, there was a pile of dead zombie corpse action on my PC's 27 inch widescreen monitor. There's no side mission where the cute chick in the low rise jeans finds something special in the bloated, lumbering zombie's psyche. No, he's about to vomit a substance that will attract other zombies to tear her apart. She understands that and knows that she has to blow his head off from a safe, vomit-free distance.

When the H1N1 vaccine, according to the tinfoil hat brigade, turns us all into combatants in the humans vs. zombie war I want to be on the side of the zombies...if they've discovered a cave filled with vampires. Or teenage goths who wish they were vampires.

I bet zombies will even behave in a buffet line. Vampires will only chat up the pretty chicks to cut in at the blood station.